Since I met the devil I ain't been the same, oh no....

I have promised INCraig that I would shut up on his posts about religion, god and spirituality and write my own.

This has been a complicated process, because I find myself often tangled up while trying to deconstruct my real, actual, honest-to-goodness views on these things. Faith is, to me, a very complicated notion. And spirituality, more complicated again.

So here goes….

Let’s start with this:

I don’t believe in God

I would like to. I think it would be comforting in some ways (which may or may not be the point). But any which way I try to spin it, I just don’t believe. I’ve read the texts of various religions. I’ve studied religious belief. I’ve had a couple of really serious incidents in my life where religious consolation might have been the answer. But it’s just not for me. I cannot reconcile the idea of God into my view of life, the universe and everything. However….

I don’t mind if other people do believe in God

Having said all of that, I can’t bring myself to out and out hate all, for example, Christians. Or Muslims. Or Buddhists. Because, notwithstanding the God bit, I believe that most of what the major religions teach is pretty universal in its goodness, what with the whole “do unto others” business. I have some major beefs with each and every one of these religions. There is a contradiction, in my opinion, in the view that women cannot attain Nirvana, and the practice of a feminist philosophy. Because I cannot put my grievances aside for the practice of a faith within their religion, I don’t wish to pursue them myself. Which leads me neatly to….

I think that religious institutions have been known to get it wrong

I think that there is a big difference between the ethical pursuit of religion and the way in which religious institutions have behaved in the past/present/and let’s face it, probably the future. If you can think of religious institutions as great big political institutions where factionalism is rife and competing viewpoints battle for supremacy, then you understand religious institutions. If you think that religious institutions exist primarily to spread the word of God, you are possibly going to find yourself disappointed.

I am a great reader of all things Renaissance Catholicism*, so the pursuit of political gain through religion is, for me, something that appears to come naturally to many religious institutions. I understand it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cynical about it. I think it's a reality, particularly for the older religions that have spent a lot of time accumulating their wealth and now find themselves in need of a means to manage it. But it is again at odds with the central messages of most spiritual texts.

I don’t believe you have to be a supporter of a religious institution in order to maintain a faith. I also believe it is possible for some people to pursue their faith without agreeing with everything the religious institutions governing their faith have to say about it. I have friends who are Catholic who are pro-choice and/or gay. There is no contradiction in that for them. I say they have a religious life that is better-examined than most, because they have sought to reconcile their personal views with the views of the Church and their belief is that their God is one who recognises some agency in individuals to take a differing spiritual path. And another neat segue into….

I believe that doubt is a necessary counter-point to faith.

One of the things I continue to harp on about to anyone who will listen is a contemporary drive to abolish doubt from the practice of faith. I find this very disturbing. I worry that a faith unexamined is a faith unfulfilled (to paraphrase some other dude).

I think that what the stories and lessons of many major religions teach us (and here I make specific reference to the lives of the Catholic Saints) is that a questioning of faith can lead to both increased faith and should be offered as an opportunity to examine the truths we accept, for the most part, without question. Even Jesus’ doubt is a matter of record in Christianity. Which leads me to my least favourite incarnation of religious pursuit….

I don’t like being patronised for being a non-believer

I don’t think that people are stupid or dense or were “holding the door open when they handed out the brains” because they believe in God. So perhaps a little bit of respect wouldn’t go astray in the other direction? Also, it would be better (for me) if you didn’t come to my door while I’m holding a five month old screaming child and offer to do some house cleaning during which you will no doubt just happen to mention the eternal salvation that awaits me. My messy house is not a recruitment opportunity. I have a spiritual life that’s a little bit more developed than that. Sorry. Although offering to clean my house is better than offering me a back seat in the burning bus on its way to Hell, which is my next point….

I believe that fear is a bad motivator

If there was one thing I agreed with in Richard Dawkins’ documentary, it was the assessment that kids take fire, brimstone and hell very seriously. They do not have a command of metaphor. As a result, anyone who seeks to create an life-after-death in which pain and physical suffering are the necessary result for people who have a) lived a good life but b) happen not to believe in God, have kind of lost me. Which might be a chicken and egg argument with my next point....

I believe that life is here to be lived now, today

One of the elements of many religions is an inherently class-based system which seeks to keep people in their place. This was one of Catholicism’s major issues with socialism – that the poor should not seek to level society, because their reward would be in the next world. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with other people believing in heaven. I just think that the way in which some people choose to live their lives as a result of a reward in the next one (be it Al-Jannah, Heaven or Nirvana, or any of the myriad other afterlives held by alternative faiths) means that they aren’t getting the best out of this one. It’s a bit of an Epicurean philosophy on my behalf, but I make no apologies for that. Well, okay one. No, two, if you really insist.


Having said all this, Puppevangelism** = hilarious. I have been pointing out to people ALL WEEK that people retain 50 per cent of what puppets say, and only 20 per cent of what preachers say. Thereby proving the Puppevangelist’s point, I suspect.

Not sure this will be the last of my rantings on religion and faith. But it’s a start.

And I did promise.


* For me, some one very interested in politics, the question “Are you interested in the wranglings of Italian factions seeking to attain the massive wealth of the Catholic Church during the Renaissance?” can be answered using the counter-question, “Was the Pope a Medici stooge intent on driving the value of the florin through the roof while bankrupting his business rivals?”

** See 'God on my side', Andrew Denton.

Sweet memes are made of this

So Bevis tagged me. Luckily the "ten things I hate about other people" topic is one I can readily embrace. Or so I thought, until I sat down to write this post, when it became much harder than I expected....

1. Anyone who starts a sentence "I'm not a racist/sexist/unreconstructed pig, but..." or uses "some of my best friends are (insert minority here) as an excuse for minority bashing. Similar hates include the use of phrases like "gay boys love me"*, "I'm a hit with all the ladies", and "....just like a woman"** (e.g. "this Ikea furniture is horribly confusing....just like a woman").

2. People who think that horrendous bumper stickers are an acceptable car "enhancement". Now, I'll admit that it's possible that those dudes with bumper stickers reading "I like lipstick on my dipstick" and "pussy hunter" might indeed be feminist scholars with a deep love of irony. But I doubt it.

3. John Howard's use of the phrase "What people have to understand is....". No, screw you, John. I'm not five years old. I understand perfectly well, I just don't agree with you. That's my democratic right, last time I checked. I realise that this isn't a generalised foible as such, but I'm willing to complain about it anyway.

4. Dudes who spit on the footpath. Ew. No, really. Ew. How often do you see women expectorating on Collins Street? Never. So why is it cool for blokes? I refuse to believe that men are really that much more phlegmy than women, and if they are, for crying out loud carry a hanky. Seriously. It's disgusting.

5. People who treat their staff like crap, while swanning around like minor celebrities. At one of the coffee joints I frequent, there is an utterly charming worker who makes my coffee most mornings. However, due to the fact that they have recently had a lot of positive publicity, there is often a "run" on at critical times of the day (e.g. 8:55am). Their coffee machine is big enough for two people to work on it. The other day, one of my friends saw the owner get up from gas-bagging to some regulars (more than I have seen him do when there is anyone else to do the work), make a coffee for himself and for them and sit back down, totally ignoring the 8-deep queue who had ordered coffee ahead of his mates.

6. People who know what to say when something bad happens. I'm glad to have them around, but frankly this always makes me feel inadequate. It usually takes me four to five minutes to stammer out something that sounds half-way supportive and I'm really not a giver of unsolicited hugs to people I barely know. I have never been comfortable with the random comfort factor, and it is probably my biggest lack of skill as a friend and/or colleague.

7. People who claim the moral high ground. If there is one thing I have learnt in my life, it's that there IS NO MORAL HIGH GROUND. There are just differing opinions. The phrase "following my conscience" is almost always used as a dog-whistle for "at least I have one, unlike Festy McPhee over there".

8. People who dominate a group discussion with no recognition whatsoever that other people might like to contribute. I was lucky enough to go some actually useful workplace training the other day. I was chuffed that finally I had managed to pick a winner. It would have been fine, if not for the guy from another organisation talking over me three times before he realised I had been trying to get a word in. The fourth time he began to start a new point, he turned to me, said, "sorry," and then continued on his merry way with an anecdote which didn't even relate to the issue at hand. I guess I could have lived with that, if not for the fact that he talked over EVERYONE.

9. People who start out with a strong point and cave the minute they are challenged. A guy I work with started out in a very aggressive way about a particular piece of workplace training. When I mentioned that I knew the trainer, he back-pedalled. This is not particularly notable (no one wants to be bitching about some one's friend to their face, well, unless you are Emma from Big Brother) except that I haven't ever been to training run by this particular person. So what I actually needed to know was this guy's real opinion, not what he thought I wanted to hear. I know a couple of people who seem to inspire strong opinions, and it doesn't particularly bother me to hear alternative views to mine, in fact a lot of the time it is frankly amusing. The courage of convictions is something I hold very dear, and the poorly judged back pedal just gives me the irrits.

10. People wearing 80s fashions with no sense of irony. I think I may have bitched about this before. But after seeing a couple of Logies spreads, I think it needs re-stating. For crying out loud people, they're RA RA SKIRTS.

Phew. Thanks, Bevis, I clearly needed to vent.

Tagging Redcap, Chesty Larue and Actonb.

Tomorrow we return to regularly scheduled programming.



* I have had no less than four different women tell me this. I don't care if it's true, it's crass.

** One of Mr Fix's former work colleagues used to do this. His extreme youth and height is the only thing that stopped me stomping him.

When headlines attack

Every now and then I do a quick scan of the news sites to keep up with a particular issue I'm interested in.

I have noticed though, as my time gets more limited, that I take less care to read news sites properly.

But given the increasing sensationalism of aforementioned sites, I was not surprised when I read the following headline on SMH:



"Dying Diana pic to be aired at gay protest"




What a shame that this story didn't actually exist. That would have been Jones/Laws fodder for weeks.






* which is why Actonb's ongoing gripe with SMH, while amusing when she points them out, mean very little to me - I probably mis-read them anyway

Don't start me talking/I could talk all night

If there’s one thing I love, it’s the way that every few years, the Australian public decides that a song which has an overt political message should be in the music charts.

I’m never sure how this happens, because a lot of what seems to define what is popular musically is against the grain of being beaten around the head with a political message. I mean, this is the country that spawned “Shaddapayaface”, after all.

So here, in no particular order, are my favourite pop music tributes to social justice.


Solid Rock – Goanna

Didn’t we all get sucked in with this one? It’s the mid-80s, there’s a bit of a kicking riff and all of a sudden we’re all land rights activists. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Plus, I pretty much wanted to be Rose Bygrave or Marcia Howard (I didn’t much care which) when I was six.


Parade – Pretty Girls Make Graves

What a bloody ace song. I may or may not have emailed the Rights at Work team suggesting it should be the Rights@Work anthem. I got no response. I’d like to think they’re too busy fighting the power. I’d also like to think they haven’t saved all their emails and aren’t in the process of revealing my secret identity right now.


Oliver’s Army – Elvis Costello

It’s basically ABBA with a political message. In fact, Costello and music writers pretty much agree that it’s the jangling piano line that got a song which includes the line

Only takes one itchy trigger
One more widow, one less white n*****r

to a major chart position in the UK and Australia.

Costello wrote it after seeing British soldiers in Belfast who were little more than kids in the 1970s. The military recruiting office at the time was putting most of its resources into recruiting 16 year old school drop outs as "cannon fodder" in major skirmishes around the world.


Help is Coming – Crowded House

Atmospheric, haunting, sad refugee story. I love it for this:

Escape
The anger of our past
And pray
That peace will come at last
And stay…

It's the kind of song you would like to know how to play on guitar, if Neil Finn wasn't such a task-master when creating chord structures.


Big Yellow Taxi – Joni Mitchell

Oh how I love this song. I love the dippiness of it. And oh how I sing it, every time I go to Melbourne Museum, where in fact they have practically “cut down all the trees, put ‘em in a tree museum” in their rainforest display. Okay, so their trees are growing, but still, it does set you to humming.


Like a Dog – Powderfinger

I got in trouble for having this quote

If you treat me like a dog
And keep me locked in a cage
I’m not relaxed or comfortable
I’m aggravation and rage

at the bottom of my work email in 2001. I took it off, but I wasn’t sorry/happy.


Treaty – Yothu Yindi

It’s the organ riff. It’s Tim Finn endlessly looping the word “treaty”. It said basically everything we thought was hopeful and possible in the early 90s. Now we have a 40 year anniversary of the 1967 referendum, true reconciliation is being pushed further and further from the agenda and Howard swanning around like he was personally responsible for the years' long struggle of Indigenous people to win their basic rights as citizens (unfinished business, if there ever was any).


One Country - Midnight Oil

Interestingly enough despite their immense popularity Midnight Oil were never on Countdown. Fact*! So even then the ABC had to look out for lefty bias? 'One Country' talks to my uneasiness about nationalism, and thinks about unity of nation in a way that is both cynical and hopeful at the same time.


From Little Things, Big Things Grow - Paul Kelly

This song just makes my eyes water and a big lump form in my throat. Every single time. It's Vincent Lingiari being a ground-breaking activist! It's Gough helping to right the wrongs! It's Paul Kelly with Ernie Dingo on didgeridoo!


What are your favourites? Or is politics mixed with music just too much to bear?



* sourced from Peter Wilmoth's excellent 'Glad All Over'

...next to a note that said "useless, damn your bones"

So on Friday, after literally months of irritating back-chat from a particular person I work with, I finally had some grudgingly positive feedback about a piece of work I had submitted.

I am one of those "accommodating" people in "real life", so it took some persuasion for me to stand up to this person and refuse to keep reinventing the wheel because they felt like it.

An example:

Let's say you baked some one a cake. And they had said "I don't care what kind of cake you bake, as long as it's round"

When presented with said cake, they respond

"Oh. No, that's not the cake I wanted. Here is a cake some one else made me. I like them like this"

And when presented with the new cake, they respond

"Oh. No, that's not right either. You've got the cake right, but I need piped icing, candles, three different sugar animals and a toffee cage"

It was at this point that I told said cake-eater that given that the earlier cake had met the standards of other cakes provided, that they could eat the cake I had made, or go without.

They ate the cake.

Now it's not like I mind working hard, I don't. I've brought home for this weekend an 80 page pro-forma document I've created which needs populating with about another 40 pages of detail, a work-plan for a committee I'm on that needs doing by Monday morning*, a new training program that will take at least three hours voluntary work per week for the next six months and, let's be honest, a smallish bottle of white wine.

What I mind, in contrast to hard work, is

a) being told "no really, you can do it any way you like" with "as long as it's our way" being muttered under-breath and out-of-earshot.

b) the goal posts being shifted constantly without any notice at all.

c) spending all my time putting out fires while I could be enjoying the work I do and actually making some kind of perceptible difference to the world....


....and all the coffee and chocolate in the world can't fix that.



* Anonymous, I promise you it will be done.

What it would be like if I talked to popular music # 2

Gigglewick responds to claims by Jefferson Starship that they "built this city on rock and roll"

With thanks to my friend Anonymous, who came up with this concept.


We built this city

Pfffft! What are there, like four of you?

We built this city on rock and roll

No, you didn’t. See, I’ve got the plans here, and they quite clearly state the commissioning architect. While they don't go into the details of all builders employed, I'm reasonably sure that you weren't in the original workteam, being as the city you speak of was constructed in the most part 150 years ago. I'm not sure if you're after some kind of memorial plaque or something, but really...

Built this city

Could you please stop interupting? Listen, are you in the union? Because I’ve got a good mind to call them about this.

We built this city on rock and roll…

Look, I hate to break it to you, but although the foundations of many of the buildings here are indeed sandstone, we do not reside on a geological fault-line of any kind and frankly your insinuation that it’s possible to build a large group of buildings on soundwaves produced by the likes of Led Zeppelin and Queen is….wait! Where are you going? I’m just trying to have a conversation!!!

I've been wondering, lately/just who's gonna save me?

**** stop press ****

I found what I can only describe as a truly magical product in the toilets at work.


I just spent five minutes spraying 'Purity' all over myself.


Sadly, there is no sign of


* spiritual cleanliness

* increased virtue, or most importantly*

* refreshed virginity



.......yet.




* pffttt!

Been talking in the break room/of labour and unrest and eyeing the clock

There is a strong argument that one of the solutions to the economic slow-down and upwards wages-pressure competing with standard-of-living issues is to give workers more freedom to negotiate their wages and conditions. Howard argues that this is what he has done by allowing workers to individually negotiate using AWAs.

The counter argument of course is that by giving workers more ability to negotiate their wages and conditions you give massive HR departments and small business owners holding a job in one hand and your soul in the other the ability to comprehensively ream you out of any entitlements you might ever have expected.

Diminishing numbers of applicants for jobs is an issue. But it’s a time for employers to get smarter about who they bring on board, and it’s time for them to start offering more in order to keep their workers happy as a means of having a stable workforce, which is – are you ready for this - cheaper in the long run.

You don’t have to be a multi-million dollar industry to treat your staff well. You also don’t need to be “Femmo McPhee and Partners” to offer family-friendly workplaces and ensure that your workers have the emotional and personal time they need to ensure their wellbeing and future productivity for you.

It’s only really been in the last few weeks that industry analysts have started talking the realities of the future labour market:

HELLO STUPIDS, ALL OF THOSE BABY-BOOMERS ARE RETIRING IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES, ROFLMAO!!! HANG ON WHERE IS MY CAPPUCINO/REPORT ON GLOBALISATION STRATEGIES FOR ACME CORP.?

So I present to you....

Gigglewick’s guide to harmonious human resources or

How to keep the staff you have, and get the new ones you want

Lesson one: Hey dude! Blokes wanting to take time off with their kids are not “fags”

Pru Goward’s studies into the role of parents in their children’s lives threw up a lot of interesting things, including the observation that Gen X and Y fathers are likely to be more involved in caring for their children, including wanting to work part-time and to leave on-time in order to collect their kids from childcare. This is going to be particularly true for parents where a wage-disparity works in favour of women (which is increasingly the case).

Employers need to grasp that the future of work/family balance is not a women’s issue, it’s a genderless concept that can be applied equally to women and men. While the burden still lies for the most part with women, the tendency of employers of men to believe that staying home with sick kids (for example) is the mum’s problem is going to make it difficult for some employers to consider themselves outstanding in their staff relations*


Lesson two: Mister! Over here! It’s EASIER to negotiate with a couple of workers on behalf of all workers than it is to negotiate seventy different agreements!

I don’t know if this has escaped some employers (particularly small business industry representatives) but there is a reason that the unions and the major industry groups get on so well (when cameras are off) – it’s because Mr Large Corporation would actually rather deal with a couple of people than negotiate individual work contracts with every single one of his workers.

Similarly, it allows employers to make some easy judgement calls too: I won’t do X for this employee unless I can do it for every employee. Small business owners spend a huge amount of time working on HR issues, and they could have avoided this by sticking to the awards system.

Of course, this award system now means that hardly any of the things that might make your workers more productive come as standard, leaving the negotiation of issues like overtime, public holidays and penalty rates more difficult for employers to negotiate. If there’s no award, you can’t use the aforementioned non-existent award as a ready reference for what is reasonable in your industry, and you could be left with no employees (or ones who lack the sufficient skills) because you don’t offer good working conditions.

Lesson three: Boomers are leaving the building, get ready for Generation X and Y

Tailoring workplace conditions to meet the needs of workers mightn’t be an issue now, but becomes a huge issue as full employment edges nearer and the baby-boomers retire causing a massive workforce shortage. According to all estimates, the retirement of baby-boomers will give remaining workers unprecedented choice about who they work for and under which conditions they are prepared to work.

There are scary looking graphs and pie charts about this – they’re all over the internet, and don’t think that the Federal Government hasn’t seen them, which makes WorkChoices even weirder.

Basically, in a couple of years, skilled workers will be able to pick and choose who they work for based on issues as flimsy as whether or not they like the décor of the lunch room because there will be several hundred thousand jobs that cannot be filled from the available number of living and breathing adults. Never mind though, you can always hope that the next government commits to providing thousands upon thousands of cheap, non-argumentative labour from other countries for you to exploit. And then all those whingeing X-ers can get stuffed.

Either way, do we really think the way to prepare for this is to create a HR department which relies on workforce conditions being in the toilet in order to function? For goodness’ sake, give your HR departments a little bit more money and you could have the staff your company deserves, staff can get the conditions that they yearn for, and productivity can go through the roof. They’ve done studies on this, honestly. And if you can’t be bothered reading them, just watch 9 to 5. It has workplace flexibility AND Jane Fonda. What more could you want?


Lesson four: United we bargain, divided we don’t get to watch an extra hour of TV after dinner even if we’re really good, promise

Collective bargaining is an Australian tradition. Anyone who has grown up in a family or more than one child knows this. That’s why you send your cute younger sister to argue the point about an extra chocolate bar right before dinner. Similarly, if I want to negotiate a wages and conditions package, I’d like the person doing that to be adequately qualified, with a strong track record in successful negotiation of wages packages and a strong understanding of the local industry and comparative workplace conditions (e.g. not me).

Lesson five: You don't have to be James Packer or Rupert Murdoch to give your staff good conditions
My current (not for profit) employer gives all staff members seven weeks' leave per year. It has the biggest sick leave entitlement I have ever seen and there are no questions asked. They pay less than the private sector, but the working conditions, access to training and professional development are outstanding. They have a bunch of employees who have been with the organisation 10+ years because they are treated well and valued appropriately. Staff take a lead role in things like strategic direction of the organisation and future development plans. The next plan, as I understand it, is to negotiate extra leave as the organisation can't free up any extra money for wages. There is, clearly, more than one way to skin a cat.



Disclaimer: For the record, I am married to a small business owner who hates red tape and excessive paperwork. He does not employ staff. But he is also determined not to carry out the practices of his former employers, who were characterised in the most part by their lack of flexibility and “you’re lucky to have a job” attitude.



* And here I’m looking at YOU, former employer of Mr Fix. I earn the most money in our family, so he can damn well have the day off when Grizzlewick is sick for the fourth time in a month.

It's never quite as it seems

Pro

1. Yummy free lunch delivered to my desk by kindly admin worker after another department over-catered their lunch for staff

2. Sweet, sweet chutney...


Con

1. ....all over my desk, keyboard and top.




* Tenuous links-a-go-go: This post is titled from 'Dreams', by the Cranberries, because one of the sandwiches I got for lunch today had cranberry sauce in it....

Hey look at me, I'm a scenester

Goodness but there has been a lot of discussion on the interwebs recently (and in the papers, for the luddites amongst us) about what makes a good mother.

I was particularly interested in a series of discussions around “yummy mummies” (or MILFs, for the more politically unsound).

Here is what I have learned about the guidelines for yummy mummies

You have to be “pre-kids” attractive: just getting it together to brush your hair and wear some designer clothing will not cut it. If you weren’t attractive prior to your children’s arrival, you’re probably not a yummy mummy in the eyes of the media.

You have to have no remaining vestiges of pregnancy related body changes, unless it is an adorable but tiny bump you can be proud of in a bikini

You must keep it together at all times: apparently it is important for boys to imagine that they are on the receiving end of a smattering of kisses from you, rather than dreaming of being chastised for spilling sugar all over the floor of the supermarket.

Princess Mary should be your hero: let’s forget for the moment that Princess Mary has a dynasty to uphold and therefore probably has access to a higher-quality hair-cutter, stylist and wardrobe than the rest of us. I have nothing against the Princess, those two seem very much in love etc etc but that doesn’t mean I’m judging my caramel-crumble infused scarf by her impeccable appearance.

Your children must be a mirror of your glamour. It is no use being a yummy mummy if your kids are uggers with vegemite-covered faces, torn jeans and gumboots*.

You must express exasperation about your inability to “do it all” and use charming examples like “oh, whatever does one DO when little Xavier has covered the walls with peanut butter!”: this is a subtle yet important tool to ensure that all of those women around you who gaze with the deepest lethargy imaginable as Thomas cuts the couch covers to pieces with the good scissors will feel even more inadequate.

I try my best, I really do. But I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers, and if I happen to look “hot” on any given day it’s more a fluke of nature than a dedicated strategy.

I say congratulations to anyone who can get out of the house having remembered to apply make up (if they feel like it), button their shirt correctly and remember to check their skirt for toast crumbs/’red wine stains before they leave. But “staying attractive” is just another bloody marker on an already extensive and often unattainable check list for mothers and adds to an already ridiculous hierarchy of child-bearing that is not expected for blokes.

*sigh*

Here endeth rant....for now.

* that means you, Grizzlewick. Except for the “ugger” bit, naturally.

Whatever/whatever/whatever/you're a living ideal

Things I have been called this week

1. “young Gigglewick” (as in, “how are you, young Gigglewick?”)
2. “peppy”
3. “charming”
4. “distracting”
5. “the saviour of all that is purposeful in life”*


Unexpected events this week (and it’s only Tuesday)

1. Being dragged (almost bodily) out of my office so that a co-worker I barely know could tell me her plans for my future career

2. A long conversation with some one who has only been a bitch to me since I started my new job. Fortunately for me, she found out through the grapevine that I know some one she is quite impressed by, so in her effort to get close to that person, she is trying to get close to me. It probably won’t work. But I won’t tell her that.

3. My friend who came unexpectedly to dinner said on the phone that she “felt guilty because she wasn’t bringing anything” and then turned up with fresh parsley, a whole camembert, baci chocolates and a bottle of 2003 Taylors red. She can come back again. Tonight, preferably.

4. A person in admin blew me a kiss because I told her where the extension cable for her laptop computer was.

5. I found a concrete square on my expanded morning walk with both my name and my sister’s name scratched into it. And it wasn’t us (well, it wasn’t me, but I doubt it was Doc either).



* It’s possible (although let’s face it, not likely) that I made that last one up.

Do it - take your mama out all night!

Happy mother's day to my mum, who is totally ace.





Happy mother's day to the mums I know and love in "real life": MW, L, Maree, Kel, Mel, Jake, Coz and Helen.





Happy mother's day to "mummy bloggers" and "mummy bloggers by proxy" - Actonb, Meva, Melbournegirl, Julie, Suki, Cristy, Mizanthrop, Honeybear and Ms Fits' Gabi.





Happy mother's day to new mothers (particularly MW) - I can promise you WILL get less tired, but also MORE tired.





Happy mother's day to those who are sharing it with their mums in spirit.





I'm using this day to reflect on the many incarnations of mother's day around the world and throughout history.





If I had my choice, I'd get Grizzlewick and Mr Fix to spend some time working towards the cessation of violence in the world per the American origins of the day*. I really don't need another blender.




A note about the picture above: sadly you can't see her properly in this photo, but the woman second from the right in this picture is my name-sake and great-grandmother, at the wedding of her sister in 1911. I often think of her, although I never met her.






* Ironic, no?

F*ck off and dye

Dear Loreal Recital Preference 'Brasilia' or whatever the hell you are called,

I hate you.

I hate your ridiculous ineffective gel formula.

I hate the way you have spent 30 minutes dripping down my back, leaving half my neck and back covered in black stains despite my meticulous swathing of my head in five metres of gladwrap.

You have ruined not one but THREE pieces of my clothing with your sticky goo.

What's more, you've weaseled your way into every nook and cranny of my heretofore spotless bathroom, cleaned with more effort than usual especially for a visit by a VIP guest to my home.

Shape up, loser.

If you think I'll be tempted by your $15 cheapness again you are wrong.

I will be seeking the services of my eminently more lovely and frankly more professional friend to dye my hair in future, whatever the cost.

This is the end for you and I.

Go find some one else to bleed all over with your hideous black plasma.

May you never darken my door (or my hair) ever again.


Gigglewick

************************************************************************************

Memo: Gigglewick

From: Gigglewick

It was three grey hairs. It really could have waited until next week.

Do I have to: the music issue

Songs I still like even though history has judged them horribly uncool

‘Staring at the Embers’ – Tim Finn
‘Wuthering Heights’ – Kate Bush
‘Steam’ – Peter Gabriel
‘Positive Bleeding’ – Urge Overkill
‘Quasimodo’s Dream’ – covered by Kate Ceberano (original version by The (inestimably cooler) Reels)

Songs I can no longer listen to without cringing that I once liked a lot

‘Train of Thought’ – The Sharp
‘Nobody’ – The Hoodoo Gurus
‘Whisper’ – Schnell Fenster
‘Apple Eyes’ – Swoop
pretty much anything by The Dead Salesmen*

Songs which, in my opinion, remain under-rated

‘Time after Time’ – The Beloved**
‘Jet Boy/Jet Girl’ – Spencer P. Jones
‘My Heart Sings’ – Rebecca’s Empire
‘’I Kicked a Boy’ – The Sundays
‘Pineapple Head’ – Crowded House

Songs I wish I could remember

That song by our friend’s band that my friend L and I used to like when we were in Year 12***

Songs I wish I could forget

‘The Sign’ – Ace of Base
‘Central Park New York’ – The Wiggles
‘I don’t know anybody else’ – Black Box
The jingle for Ballarat’s Begonia Festival circa 1985 (never updated)
‘Colossal’ - Wolfmother



* Not entirely sure this is the Dead Salesmen’s fault. Seriously, I put the CD on a couple of weeks ago and could not listen to it, no matter how hard I tried. Sorry, Hap.

** Not to be confused with the Cyndi Lauper song of the same name.

*** She quoted it to me recently and I possibly looked at her like she was insane.

Error Gorilla/Know what I mean?

1. There must be worse things that watching Anna Coren flirt with John Howard, but I'm not sure what they are. I hope Harpo isn't wasting any of his new-found sight on this.

2. That craft project I am completing for work is going to look so much better in my head than it does in front of my eyes. It's like the time I made a pinata for another work event which was in a shape to symbolise something in particular but no one cared because there were lollies all over the floor and who can concentrate when that happens?

3. When people say that some one was "car-jacked on the way to the bank", isn't it possible that they weren't on the way to the bank, but that the dude wearing the balaclava with a jagged fishing knife to your throat might have made a compelling case for you to go in that direction?

4. I wonder who would win a fight between 1980s Rob Lowe and contemporary Rob Lowe. I suspect 1980s Rob Lowe would be slippery, what with all that body oil and naked chest. Having said that, I think contemporary Rob Lowe would be harder to scruff by the hair, having ditched the ridiculous bouffant of the past.

5. Some would argue that if the headline "Queen cracks joke" were more common, there would be no call for Australia to become a republic. Particularly if it's one that involves farts*.

6. Following the example of Ms Chesty LaRue, I bought a very expensive pair of knee-high boots today. Well, more specifically, I lay-byed them. Because I have self-control. And also because I wanted to buy a pinafore in the shop down the road, and didn't have enough money to do both in one go.

7. I don't like camping.

8. I recently got invited to attend a commemoration of a major incident of ethnic violence in Australia, in which members of my ancestral family were badly hurt and which doesn't say much for the race relations of the gold rush era. It was themed a "celebration". I'm the only person I know who found that weird/funny.

9. After reading some recent posts, my friend R emailed me yesterday to ask if I was okay and still enjoying my job. I am R, don't worry.... * waves *

10. Yesterday I was given the chance to explain to other people in my workplace what I do. They seemed interested. I told them about our web site. When I checked the site log this morning a whole bunch of them had been downloading a resource I had developed and recommended to them in that meeting. That made me happy.



* The joke, not the republic. But on the other hand, why can't we have both?

Reconsidering my vote...

Ha ha ha ha.

Not really.

You can bribe me all you like Mr Costello, but we are not at home to Mr Pork Barrel in this house.

What it would be like if I answered the questions posed by songwriters, part one

Gigglewick talks to Hunters and Collectors' top ten single, 'Do You See What I See?'

*****
Do you see what I see?

No.

Do you see what I see?

No.

Do you see what I see?

No.

Do you see what I see?

No.


I see the safest place around, in that city down below.

Oh. Why didn’t you say so? I can see THAT.


My hands are empty now and I’m waving as I go

Fine. Be like that then.


Next week: Gigglewick responds to Oasis' taunt: 'What's the Story, Morning Glory'

Other medical conditions experienced by the general populace, as described by Bill Heffernan

Wilfully obese

Obstreperously cancer-riddled

Expressly palsied

Meticulously blind

Studiously crippled

Calculatingly dyslexic




Priests, on the other hand, cannot control themselves.



PS Julia you are ace, and we love you.

Reasons it is unlikely I will win "employee of the month"

1. No one knows what my job is

2. Increasing level of belligerence over others’ inability to meet deadlines expressed in form of random violence towards machinery

3. New co-worker is former high school class-mate who probably still believes I am a suck

4. Muttering in the corner not considered a high priority KPI

5. Admitted to not having read ‘Power without Glory’ at tea-break*



*No, I don't work for the Labor Party. I wouldn't have got a job there with that kind of attitude.