Feminism versus the dirt

I’ve been doing some catch-up reading on Barbara Pocock’s work lately, and it (along with the work of other researchers) has taken me in some interesting directions about the division of labour, particularly “domestic” work. Some researchers have found an interesting trend in the increase in men’s participation in domestic duties, namely that the way they approach it is entirely different to women. A woman with a day to be spent on domestic duties is likely to spend it vacuuming, scrubbing the bathroom or generally “catching up” on the housework. Men, by contrast, are more likely to undertake outdoor “project” jobs: mending the back fence, reorganizing the garage, etc.

I thought about this in reference to my own circumstances. When I went back to work after Grizzlewick was born, Mr Fix cut his work back to a part time role so that we could both

a) cover our childcare (we were initially on the endless waiting list from hell) and

b) he could spend some time with Grizzlewick as a primary caregiver.

The early months were not fun. I would spend my “home parent” days cleaning like a banshee, and cooking food for the family for a whole week. Mr Fix would spend his out for “cheenos”, playing guitar and sandwiching in visits with clients. This made me very cross, not least because I wasn't having very much fun.

And it’s not just my generation of women who are finding this tough. One woman I know used to tell a story about her son who would, when he was charged with staying home with his own son, “stay in his dressing gown for the morning, play around a bit, do some tidying, but would never clean”. He viewed his parenting as some kind of “babysitting duty”, not as an actual and active role in his son’s life, or as an equal partner in essential tasks such as scraping the grot off the house occasionally and cooking the odd meal. This woman observed that it seemed pretty standard for the female partner in this couple to “point-score” when they fought: she would argue that she had done X amount of cleaning and cooking to his Y amount. I could definitely empathise with this, having done it in my head, if not verbally.

So what’s wrong with this picture? Part of it is about the lack of definition in gender roles and responsibilities. One academic has observed in recent years (in a slightly different context) that feminism has redefined what it is to be a woman, but not what it is to be a man. I think that this is certainly true where domestic duties are concerned. While the shift to women working outside the home has been a rapid social change, it has not been accompanied by a change in the manner in which men are engaging with roles outside the workforce, nor the rise of a significant service industry to support domestic duties*.

Let's be clear here: I'd rather not do any housework. Neither would Mr Fix. But sadly, the housework is there, and must be done. Grievances about housework are not about man-hating. They're about partnerships - equal and unequal.

Many “former feminists” who feel “duped” by the “women can have it all” argument will tell you that what led to their disillusionment is the double shift – the requirement for women to work a full day at work and then come home and do the majority of cooking, cleaning and childcare. But where did women get that negotiation so very wrong? Why was that EVER considered an acceptable trade-off for working outside the home?

Many women work outside the home because the whole family will benefit from their income, so why is more not done within individual families to facilitate that participation? The “selfish career woman” is a myth that does not serve anyone. On an individual basis, it certainly doesn’t serve the suburban house-wife who manages an independent supermarket on the weekends so her family can make ends meet. Or the work-from-home mum considering an 2am shift packing cabbages so that her family will not end every fortnight in debt. On a societal level, it doesn't serve the father who would like to take time out from his career to take care of kids and manage the household.

I consider myself somewhat lucky that Mr Fix (after some low-level remodeling) has become a pretty good part-time house-parent, and can be relied upon to keep the house functioning at a reasonably high level. But he was open to this conversation. He wanted to help more. He didn’t respond to requests to help more around the house with the blunt statement “I earn the money, you do the housework”. There is nothing in our popular culture to suggest that relationships, roles and expectations are anything but nuanced and complex. Why should our consideration of our roles be any different? I’d like to think that women take some responsibility for enacting this change in their families**, but also that men should be active participants in this conversation. The only motivation you could have for refusing to engage on this issue is that you don’t want to do more – but no one wants to scrub the toilet***, so why is that acceptable?

Domestic bliss is about more than just feeling emotionally supported. It’s about knowing that, while you might be scouring the oven’s grease-filled interior, those funky bathroom tiles are some one else’s problem.


* And here I am making an observation about domestic support outside the direct care of children (e.g. “healthy fast food”, domestic cleaning services). I'm not including centre-based childcare in my assessment, although that is clearly an industry which has grown astronomically during this time-period.

** by families, I don't necessarily mean people with kids, but women in share-houses who find themselves doing all the cleaning, or daughter who take more responsibility for the care of their parents than their brothers do.

*** I'll suspend my judgment of those of you who enjoy toilet-cleaning. Just this once.