Now every boy in a knitted vest has got some precedent

I've come back from my long-weekend break just full of observations (and that nine-hour drive really did help to adhere to my brain my ideas for blogging). Instead of eke-ing these out over a few days, here is every blogging idea I've got for the next six months....

No need for exercise or dieting, just hang out with my MiL

My MiL has a habit of regularly observing to me that “Gigglewick, you have lost a lot of weight since I saw you last”.

In this instance, I saw her two weeks before Christmas. The last time, the gap hadn’t been significant either. There is only one response to this statement:

“No, you must just imagine me FATTER THAN I REALLY AM”.


Mr High-Margin-of-Profit-y

A couple of weeks ago on a profoundly hot day, we heard a Mr Whippy Van. Both Mr Fix and I were deprived of Mr Whippy goodness as children, growing up as we did on the kind of roads not habitually driven by Mr W. and his kind. So because we are ridiculously indulgent parents, we decided to run out and buy an icecream with Grizzlewick – could anything be more exciting? In fact, there is one thing that will make your heart pump faster than the anticipation of a Mr Whippy ice-confection treat, and that is the realisation that you must now mortgage your house in order to pay for it. FIVE DOLLARS FOR A KIDDY-CONE. And it didn’t even have lashings of speed or cocaine on top! Mr Whippy has a product which costs TWELVE DOLLARS! Surely that one has some drugs in it. Just a small amount?

Assuming this isn’t a cover for illegal drugs trade, Mr Fix and I are now thinking of putting a clause in our will which uses our (alleged) inheritance to purchase a Mr Whippy Van for Grizzlewick. With any luck he’ll be a millionaire inside his first year of operation.


Welcome to Crazytown’s Family Co-operative

There’s nothing like a family wedding to get people all worked up. And there’s nothing like a family wedding to write in huge letters across the sky that the usual passive aggressive way of doing things just DOESN’T CUT IT. Take the following exchanges for example:

Ring ring

S1: Hi bride, my boyfriend has a suit for the wedding, is that okay?

Bride: Sure. Yes. That’s fine. Whatever you think.

Ring ring

S2: Hi bride, my boyfriend has hired this suit, I’ve emailed you the picture. Is that what you wanted – because he can change it.

Bride: No it’s fine. Sure. Whatever you think.

Ring ring

Gigglewick: Hi bride. What do you want Grizzlewick to wear to the wedding? Does he need a suit?

Bride: Whatever you think.

Gigglewick: Well, if he doesn’t need to wear a suit, then perhaps a nice pair of slacks and a shirt would be okay? I’m just conscious that if he wears a suit he might wriggle out of his jacket in two seconds flat anyway.

Bride: No, really. Whatever you think.

Ring ring

Mr Fix: Bride, I have a dark suit ready for the wedding.

Bride: That’s great.

In later conversation:

Gigglewick: It’s really good that Mr Fix doesn’t have to buy a whole new suit.

Bride: Oh, does he have a dinner suit does he?

Gigglewick: Ummmmm. I don’t know. He just said he has a suit for the wedding.

Bride: It’s black tie, you know.

Gigglewick: Is it okay to wear a black dress to your wedding? It’s my nicest formal dress, but I have other things, or I can buy something new.

Bride: Whatever you think.

Gigglewick: …because I don’t want to wear something inappropriate, and it is an afternoon wedding. What do you want me to wear?

Bride: Whatever you feel comfortable in.

Now I know it’s not good manners to hassle the bride about her lack of clarity, but really. How many openings were there in those conversations for the bride to make it clear that:

a) it’s black tie
b) no other suit will be acceptable
c) black is not a colour to wear to weddings and
d) if Grizzlewick isn’t in a suit there will be big trouble?

Many. There were MANY. If just ONE of those statements were greeted with a “well, it’s black tie, so if you could dress in formal wedding attire that would be best”, we would not find ourselves four weeks away from a wedding with no appropriate clothing whatsoever.

And now I have the horrible feeling that if we go along with Mr Fix in a regular dark suit, me in a black dress and Grizzlewick in slacks and a shirt we will be considered slackarse, slut and tomboy, respectively. So we’re all off to buy new clothes and get hair cuts, manicures and cosmetic surgery.


Wagga Wa – “increasing by one-third the number of surprises”

For the first time in my life*, I experienced the thrill of visiting the regional centre of Wagga Wagga. Apparently it has “double the surprises”. I decided to take an empirical approach to this statement. Here are my findings:

Number of potential surprises anticipated: 3

Namely:

1. Not a complete hole
2. People actually referring to Wagga Wagga by its complete name now and not just the abbreviated “Wagga”
3. Pleasing river-side vista

Number of surprises experienced: 4

Namely:

1. Not a complete hole
2. Mini steam-train (not operational)
3. Not entirely revolting apple-slice
4. Entire side of street designated to meet the needs of the private used-car market

You’ll note that anticipated surprises 2 and 3 were not realised. I would have expected in order for their optimistic thesis to be proved correct, I should have experienced SIX surprises. Wagga Wagga, you have some work to do.


IMPORTANT UPDATE: apparently Wayne Carey is not in Wagga. Does this constitute a surprise?????


Just because it's from the internet, doesn't mean it's true

I don’t know if anyone else is on the high-rotation, send every half-funny email you’ve ever received on to everyone you know network like me, but I have a pet peeve about these things. I can receive pictures of tiny people made out of fruit or jokes about the lumberjack and the sardine for hours and laugh heartily. I love a good “things to do in meetings to piss off your boss” viral email as much as the next drone. But what really bugs me is when people send on an email clearly written by some one in the US and, instead of just leaving it as it is, perform a “find and replace”, replacing each instance of “America” with “Australia”.

The latest one I received claimed, among other things, that a large percentage of our Federal politicians were fraudulent, sexually harassing criminals. However, it also claimed that the House of Representatives had 300+ members. Why does this happen? Not only did some one do it, but then hundreds of other people passed it on. It’s mindless and stupid. People in this country have a bad enough attitude to politicians as it is without peddling that kind o’ crap. By all means take exception to people’s political views, but to further the idea that all politicians are by definition corrupt, horrible, baby-eating criminals is just a step too far.


You can come back again

We had friends over for dinner last week and I was told I have a "very impressive library". Then they racked out a Trivial Pursuit set. Those friends will be invited back.


* That I remember.