Things that should be illegal
People I barely know presenting me with “fun size” mars bars at 9am.
I know it’s Easter and everything, but really – is this necessary? Now it is sitting on my computer daring me to eat it.
The use of the word “booty” in any circumstance other than in reference to an item of child’s clothing.
But to save confusion, let’s erase it from the lexicon altogether, we can always refer to those things that go on babies’ feet as “socks”.
All this talk about secularism and whether or not Muslim communities can cope with it.
I know, it’s my own fault for watching ‘Difference of Opinion’. But why is it that we question only one faith’s capacity to live in a secular society? And why are we so hell-bent on claiming that we are secular? Anyone who’s taken more than a couple of minutes to read our legislative records can tell you that there are more than a few mentions of God in there…how can we say to people: “Oh, you need to observe your faith less strenuously, but just ignore all the references to MY God in the Constitution/Parliamentary processes/etc”. For the record, I don’t have a problem with Christianity, as regular readers will well know. I have a problem with hypocrisy.
Ex-boyfriends only “appearing” in my immediate vicinity when I look like Haggis McBaggis.
When I have been for a long walk on the beach with no hair-tie, wearing tracksuit pants chasing small children all over the place, without coffee…this is not the time for you to blithely appear at my café table wanting an update on my life (NB it’s going very well thank you – the fact that I look like a half-crazed loon should not cause you to reflect in any way on my peace and prosperity. NO, REALLY)
People beeping their horn at me on the street when I’m out for my 6am walk.
The big disadvantage for me is that now that it’s light when I begin my walk, people can see me*/recognise me. The problem is that I can’t see them**, so when they drive past in a car I don’t recognise and beep/wave, I have no choice other than to look vaguely perplexed and wonder if it’s:
a) actually some one who knows me (ideal – at least I might find out who it is at some point)
b) Some one who has mistaken me for some one else (not totally unreasonable)
c) Oversexed young men who will beep their horn at the sight of anything with long hair (including, but not limited to, say, Slash***)
Letting your dog poo on my front lawn.
Oh wait, that IS illegal. One of the issues in this particular instance is that I suspect that the individual in question is some one I will be working with (albeit in a tangential way). I’m not suggesting that makes it less appropriate for him to let his dog poo on my lawn, oh dammit, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Although it could be embarrassing for him when we finally meet and I say “Oh, HI! You have that cute golden retriever! The one that seems to be befouling my lawn, INSIDE THE FENCE, every couple of days. Yes! I’ve seen you waiting patiently while it does its business. Nice to meet you!!!” Of course, I won’t do this.
“Your body is a wonderland” by John Mayer.
What does he mean? Full of mad hatters? Accessed only by falling through a hollow tree? Over-priced entertainment for a family of four? Infested with screeching children hyped up on sugar and queasy from amusement rides? I hate this song. I hate that it appears to have no other lyrics than the endless droning of “your body is a wonderland”. I hate that it gets played endlessly at my workplace.
Phew. Good to know that my general buddha-like state of radiating contentment and calm hasn’t impinged on my ability to hate things.
* Is anyone else seeing a pattern here? I seem to enter the public arena looking completely disheveled on a regular basis. Perhaps I have no call to be instructing others to avert their eyes, I should just make more of an effort? But why did I move to the country if not to escape the need to do a “just stepped off the catwalk” outfit every time I left my house???
** I’ve been thinking lately that I might actually need glasses. Ptcha! The internet would probably help me diagnose these things, but I can’t read the screen properly.
*** What the hell happened to him anyway?
I know it’s Easter and everything, but really – is this necessary? Now it is sitting on my computer daring me to eat it.
The use of the word “booty” in any circumstance other than in reference to an item of child’s clothing.
But to save confusion, let’s erase it from the lexicon altogether, we can always refer to those things that go on babies’ feet as “socks”.
All this talk about secularism and whether or not Muslim communities can cope with it.
I know, it’s my own fault for watching ‘Difference of Opinion’. But why is it that we question only one faith’s capacity to live in a secular society? And why are we so hell-bent on claiming that we are secular? Anyone who’s taken more than a couple of minutes to read our legislative records can tell you that there are more than a few mentions of God in there…how can we say to people: “Oh, you need to observe your faith less strenuously, but just ignore all the references to MY God in the Constitution/Parliamentary processes/etc”. For the record, I don’t have a problem with Christianity, as regular readers will well know. I have a problem with hypocrisy.
Ex-boyfriends only “appearing” in my immediate vicinity when I look like Haggis McBaggis.
When I have been for a long walk on the beach with no hair-tie, wearing tracksuit pants chasing small children all over the place, without coffee…this is not the time for you to blithely appear at my café table wanting an update on my life (NB it’s going very well thank you – the fact that I look like a half-crazed loon should not cause you to reflect in any way on my peace and prosperity. NO, REALLY)
People beeping their horn at me on the street when I’m out for my 6am walk.
The big disadvantage for me is that now that it’s light when I begin my walk, people can see me*/recognise me. The problem is that I can’t see them**, so when they drive past in a car I don’t recognise and beep/wave, I have no choice other than to look vaguely perplexed and wonder if it’s:
a) actually some one who knows me (ideal – at least I might find out who it is at some point)
b) Some one who has mistaken me for some one else (not totally unreasonable)
c) Oversexed young men who will beep their horn at the sight of anything with long hair (including, but not limited to, say, Slash***)
Letting your dog poo on my front lawn.
Oh wait, that IS illegal. One of the issues in this particular instance is that I suspect that the individual in question is some one I will be working with (albeit in a tangential way). I’m not suggesting that makes it less appropriate for him to let his dog poo on my lawn, oh dammit, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Although it could be embarrassing for him when we finally meet and I say “Oh, HI! You have that cute golden retriever! The one that seems to be befouling my lawn, INSIDE THE FENCE, every couple of days. Yes! I’ve seen you waiting patiently while it does its business. Nice to meet you!!!” Of course, I won’t do this.
“Your body is a wonderland” by John Mayer.
What does he mean? Full of mad hatters? Accessed only by falling through a hollow tree? Over-priced entertainment for a family of four? Infested with screeching children hyped up on sugar and queasy from amusement rides? I hate this song. I hate that it appears to have no other lyrics than the endless droning of “your body is a wonderland”. I hate that it gets played endlessly at my workplace.
Phew. Good to know that my general buddha-like state of radiating contentment and calm hasn’t impinged on my ability to hate things.
* Is anyone else seeing a pattern here? I seem to enter the public arena looking completely disheveled on a regular basis. Perhaps I have no call to be instructing others to avert their eyes, I should just make more of an effort? But why did I move to the country if not to escape the need to do a “just stepped off the catwalk” outfit every time I left my house???
** I’ve been thinking lately that I might actually need glasses. Ptcha! The internet would probably help me diagnose these things, but I can’t read the screen properly.
*** What the hell happened to him anyway?
posted by gigglewick at
12:59 pm
8 Comments:
Might I suggest that you return Labrador Man's 'lost property' to him in a plastic bag at the earliest opportunity. Or alternatively post it to him (or John Mayer) in a Jiffy bag. That should sort it.
He is somewhere amongst here.
I may be talking about Slash.
I love the name "Haggis McBaggis". My new goal in life is to persuade the producers of Grey's Anatomy to use it as the name of one of their characters.
However, I must disagree with you on "booty". The "booty call" episode of The OC was possibly the funniest episode of one of the funniest shows ever.
I have never heard a John Mayer song and I am very very happy for it to stay that way.
BigFrom,
It might - but I would have to put my return address, would I not? Also he works for the council, and I don't want to start me any local government wars.
Chai,
Hee!
INCraig,
Can't claim credit for H McB - see Margaret Attwood's awesome deconstruction of teenage girl relationships, 'Cat's Eye'. It does conjure quite the mental image though, doesn't it?
Meh. Don't like the word booty.
KR,
You are very, very lucky.
Take a leaf out of Tim Winton's book. (Well, not any old Tim Winton book. For the correct effect, it should really be Cloud Street.) Paper bag, doggy doo, doorstep, middle of the night. Set the bag on fire, ring the door bell and run away. Door opens, owner sees flaming something and promptly steps on it to put it out. Hey, presto, pooey slippers :)
Perhaps we could try the same thing with John Mayer? He kinda shits me too, mainly because I keep mixing him up with Pete Murray, everyone's favourite singer of wrist-slashing music.
Redcap,
Good tip, but as I said, would worry about setting off any feud with the council.
Pete Murray gets a bit of airplay here too. My father (an avid enjoyer of music) is possibly the biggest Pete Murray hater of all time.
Which is weird, considering how much he likes Jack Johnson and Ben Harper.
I like 'Beautiful', but if often means different things to me depending on when I hear it.
The use of the word “booty” in any circumstance other than in reference to an item of child’s clothing.
NO aaargh.
"Booty" is a perfectly reasonble word for us poirates to descroibe stuff which we liberate from passing landlubbers aargh.
Loike, your mars barrr.
Aaaargh.
Cast iron balcony
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