An open letter to my reproductive system
Dear Reproductive System,
I am writing to express my dismay at your recent work performance.
What happened? We used to work so well together. You used to be reliable and efficient. Now it seems like you’re not taking your responsibilities seriously, and frankly, I am worried about you.
We have an association that exceeds 17 years now. When I first knew you, reproductive system, you were painstaking in your approach to your role. You did not deviate from our agreed cycle of work (28 days) and you presented no cause for worry or alarm. Indeed, you were the envy of many of my friends, some of whom had employees whose performance was patchy at best.
Your punctuality leaves much to be desired, reproductive system, and I think that we need to have a serious talk about your strategies for notifying the rest of us if you are planning on making an early appearance or disappearing for weeks at a time. You don’t see the respiratory system taking these kinds of liberties, and as we all know, if the respiratory system behaved the way you do, we’d all be out of a job.
I won’t pretend that I haven’t had some influence in your work performance, reproductive system. I have certainly been an active manager and some might say I have micro-managed your performance at times. Believe me, this was for your own good.
I don’t disagree that you have produced some excellent work in your time. Your collaboration with another reproductive system to produce Grizzlewick, for example, was an oustanding commitment of time and effort on your behalf. But you cannot afford to rest on your laurels. The current priority is to actively disengage from the pusuit of such future projects, not to flirt with the prospect without consultation with management. And I don’t appreciate your response that you are “just putting it out there”. You have been warned.
Similarly, I think you have been spending far too much time on your breaks hanging out with the limbic system. The limbic system has more than enough on its plate at the moment, and your constant badgering is both disruptive and does nothing to further your own work goals. For example, two weeks ago when the limbic system threw a tantrum over the number of wet towels strewn around the house. You put her up to that, didn’t you? Well, consider this your second warning. If you intend to utilise the services of the limbic system, I better see some damn outcomes. Which reminds me, when was the last time you turned in a report against your KPIs?
I’m spending a lot of money on unnecessary pregnancy tests because of you, reproductive system. I hope you appreciate the effort I’m going to – I’m clearly the only one bothering to keep up my end of the bargain. Perhaps when and if you get an outside job, you can start to carry on the way you have been in the past few months.
The rest of the staff here are frankly sick and tired of your attitude, particularly when they already are putting in extra hours to exercise with reduced calories, and also to process the slightly increased amount of alcohol I am consuming. They are a model of efficiency born of John Howard’s brave new Australia, and you wouldn’t catch any of them (although I have been recently forced to offer left leg a warning) slacking on the job the way you are.
In short, reproductive system, shape up.
With best wishes for future collaboration,
Gigglewick
I am writing to express my dismay at your recent work performance.
What happened? We used to work so well together. You used to be reliable and efficient. Now it seems like you’re not taking your responsibilities seriously, and frankly, I am worried about you.
We have an association that exceeds 17 years now. When I first knew you, reproductive system, you were painstaking in your approach to your role. You did not deviate from our agreed cycle of work (28 days) and you presented no cause for worry or alarm. Indeed, you were the envy of many of my friends, some of whom had employees whose performance was patchy at best.
Your punctuality leaves much to be desired, reproductive system, and I think that we need to have a serious talk about your strategies for notifying the rest of us if you are planning on making an early appearance or disappearing for weeks at a time. You don’t see the respiratory system taking these kinds of liberties, and as we all know, if the respiratory system behaved the way you do, we’d all be out of a job.
I won’t pretend that I haven’t had some influence in your work performance, reproductive system. I have certainly been an active manager and some might say I have micro-managed your performance at times. Believe me, this was for your own good.
I don’t disagree that you have produced some excellent work in your time. Your collaboration with another reproductive system to produce Grizzlewick, for example, was an oustanding commitment of time and effort on your behalf. But you cannot afford to rest on your laurels. The current priority is to actively disengage from the pusuit of such future projects, not to flirt with the prospect without consultation with management. And I don’t appreciate your response that you are “just putting it out there”. You have been warned.
Similarly, I think you have been spending far too much time on your breaks hanging out with the limbic system. The limbic system has more than enough on its plate at the moment, and your constant badgering is both disruptive and does nothing to further your own work goals. For example, two weeks ago when the limbic system threw a tantrum over the number of wet towels strewn around the house. You put her up to that, didn’t you? Well, consider this your second warning. If you intend to utilise the services of the limbic system, I better see some damn outcomes. Which reminds me, when was the last time you turned in a report against your KPIs?
I’m spending a lot of money on unnecessary pregnancy tests because of you, reproductive system. I hope you appreciate the effort I’m going to – I’m clearly the only one bothering to keep up my end of the bargain. Perhaps when and if you get an outside job, you can start to carry on the way you have been in the past few months.
The rest of the staff here are frankly sick and tired of your attitude, particularly when they already are putting in extra hours to exercise with reduced calories, and also to process the slightly increased amount of alcohol I am consuming. They are a model of efficiency born of John Howard’s brave new Australia, and you wouldn’t catch any of them (although I have been recently forced to offer left leg a warning) slacking on the job the way you are.
In short, reproductive system, shape up.
With best wishes for future collaboration,
Gigglewick
posted by gigglewick at
1:38 pm
6 Comments:
Outrageous! You just can't get good help these days.
I have a similar problem with my reproductive system - maybe we should get them together and give them a good talking to? Maybe they have formed a union and are on strike for better conditions?
I think my reproductive system has joined this union. At the moment she seems to be too busy to communicate with me, something about trying to come up with a suitable acronym for their fledgling bastion against poor working condtions and pay. As a pro-union employer, I think we need to engage our reproductive systems in non-confrontations exchange of ideas, leading to more harmonious (and predictable) outcomes for all concerned.
Redcap,
No. You can't.
Killerrabbit,
I think my RS needs very little encouragement and I worry that the masses might rise up and burn the reichstag if we let them.
Nai,
Indeed. Wouldn't that be nice? However, I suspect chemical warfare is called for.
I've been using chemical persusation for years. Would not have it any other way. My RS has refused to co-operate since day one, so subversive means have been necessary since I was legally able to procure them for myself. It's just damned annoying when the employee stills finds the means to disrupt the work environment despite the chemicals. Grrrrr.
Mr Fix had the audacity to suggest the other day that perhaps this is all part of
GETTING OLDER.
Boy is he cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Aimin' for a maimin'.
Itchin' for a switchin'.
Etc.
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